This is the last part of my 5-part series on how to move on from a relationship. For myself, reading your responses and experiences have given me the invaluable opportunity to learn about you. Meanwhile, please enjoy the last part of this series.
I mean, you want to move on? Just forget about the past! Get over it. Look onward to the future.
Keep yourself busy with other things. Uh-uh — not so easy. While these do help in some way, I realized that there is more than meets the eye. No matter how I tried to push away the past, it hung there like a shroud, affecting the way I thought about myself, my decisions, and my actions. Ultimately, there was past baggage to clear and subconscious, erroneous beliefs to untangle before I could really move on.
All these require an ability to think consciously and to maintain a level of objectivity, which is hard because such matters are usually linked to deep sorrows and injured pride. This was the case for me for the past few years.
For the longest time, while I thought I had moved on, subconsciously I had not. Thinking you have moved on and having really moved on are two separate situations altogether. In the former, you continue to live under the shadow of that person or relationship without realizing it. You think you have been liberated but the truth is you are still living in a mental prison as you keep thinking about the person and past memories. This prevents you from receiving new things in your life. For you to move on, you have to first know whether you have moved on or not.
Why we have to let go of the fantasy.
Here are 12 s to tell if you have not moved on:. T he moving-on process will take timeprobably longer than you might think.
There were many times when I came to a new revelation and thought I had thus moved on, only to realize afterward there was more inner baggage to be cleared. In these 4 years, there was a truckload of baggage cleared. To be honest, it really shocked me to know the amount of baggage that was stored inside me all this while, despite actively living consciously.
Two, to have so much baggage created from a relatively short period of time we first parted ways 1.
No more mental torture or mental inhibitions. No more holding yourself back for something that cannot come to pass. Depending on how deep the emotional impact was, it might take several phases before you can really move on. Whatever you do, you will definitely be making progress every step along the way. Be it bitter or sweet, each time you are clearing baggage, bit by bit.
Each step is an act of healing in itself.
With every broken relationship comes baggage. The length of time when G and I were in close, active communication was about 2. Not very long compared to others, yet there was so much baggage to be cleared in my head! If your relationship was longer, I can imagine there must be a lot more for you to deal with.
Our baggage will be a mixture of sadness, regret, hope, wistfulness, melancholy, disappointment.
12 s to tell if you have not moved on
If the relationship was intense, your baggage will probably include hate, grief, anger, fear, shame and other deeper emotions. Whatever the emotion is, open yourself to the emotion fully. This means if you hate the person, feel that hatred.
If you feel sad, soak in your sadness. If you feel the need to grief, then please grief. Cry if need be. Take time out for yourself to process these feelings.
Embrace them and accept them. To complete the cleansing process, all the dirt has to be cleansed. To do so you need to first acknowledge and accept your feelings. As you connect with these emotions, slowly let them go. Feel them, understand the source, then release them. Some suggestions would be to talk to a good friend, journaling or meditation.
Such fixations are dangerous. I always believe if real intention is there, any obstacles, no matter how insurmountable, can be overcome. Your friends are there for a reason, to help you, support you, and pull you through this period. K, for sure.
Other close friends include my secondary school pals, my junior college friend, my godbrother whom I knew back when I was 15 and my best friend from university. These people were there to listen to me and support me when I was down. Their overwhelming patience made me very grateful for who they are and our friendships. This experience has undoubtedly strengthened our friendships.
The initial healing period of every wound is always the most delicate. Especially not the very things the wound is susceptible to. I had to reduce contact with G because his actions toward me made it hard for me to move on. A part of me kept seeing him as an ideal guy, while on the other hand, he was treating me in this special way that was ambiguous.
Moving on isn’t easy
Reducing contact made it much easy for me to gain clarity on the situation, that what we had was a friendship and there was nothing more than that. At the end of an unrequited or broken relationship, there are going to be a lot of unspoken words, questions, and pent up emotions.
You may try to rationalize them away, but they will remain there, yearning to be answered. Airing these thoughts to the person helps you gain closure. Write down everything you want to say; things you had qualms with; questions you have always wanted to ask. Talk it out.
How to move on
In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness. I once read a book on forgiveness which shared this powerful idea. It said that whenever we refuse to forgive someone, the person we are not forgiving is really ourselves. You are the only person carrying the baggage around. This was what happened to me. Carrying all these heavyweight emotions can be very tiring. Think about how you are denying yourself of so much happiness by holding on to your grievances.
Think about how you are preventing yourself from experiencing your real love because you are still hanging on to this baggage. Whenever you hold on to something, you prevent yourself from receiving new things in life. Forgive yourself for putting yourself through this trauma. Forgive yourself for everything that has happened. As you forgive yourself, forgiveness of the other person will occur naturally. Steps are tied to your inner world and specifically dealing with the root of the issue.
Get into some activities. What are the things that perk you up? Things that excite you, enthuse you, make you feel rejuvenated? Going out with friends? Watching a drama? Reading a book? Engage yourself in them. Meeting new people, friends or romantic potentials alike, reminds how there is a whole world out there.
There are many great people to know out there. I always find it an amazing adventure to know someone new and be exposed to a whole different life. It helps me understand life from a whole different angle. However, this is an erroneous belief. If the relationship could only happen if you are XXX person with XXX traits, then it meant you are not the right person for this relationship.
Everyone looks for different people. There is someone out there for you. Look around you!